i'm the summer girl you enjoy

so a new year = a new me.

new journal: jessiebiele .

add me please, cos i am going to erase this journal at some point. :)

xx

resolutions:

to find happiness in whatever i do.





stop hurting the people i love (!)





be a healthier person in all respects.





stop wasting my money on clothes! (um, whoops. today i spent 78$ at american eagle...)

2007...oh, where shall we begin?

You were a great year, a stellar year academically, but you were the biggest pain in the ass year of my life.

Really, 2007.

You led me through break ups, make ups, broken friendships, new friendships, new loves, old loves, and the like.

I had a few of those mornings where I woke up so bloody hungover I thought I would die.

I had many of those mornings where I'd wake up next to the guy I was dating and wonder "What the hell are you doing next to me?"

I had a lot of nights where I cried myself to sleep.

But, I had a lot of nights where I went out with my girls and laughed so hard tears ran down my cheeks. There were those nights I hung out with my friends all night long and talked about everything and nothing. There were days where I'd go for long runs and reflect on my life, my relationships, and myself.

There were days where I'd go out for sushi by myself and go people-watching. Or, I'd park myself at the Starbucks in Rye and people-watch while reading about Anita Hill and sipping my latte in the most comfortable chair I could grab.

And there were those mornings where I'd wake up next to James, feeling content and so loved. Those moments were spectacular, but what was better was waking up in the morning, in my own bed, feeling comfortable in my solitude.

And those moments were priceless.

To all those who saw me through: Thank you. I love you all.

Here's to a stress-free, drama-free, RELAXING 2008.

merry christmas, ladies (and boys)!

my christmas was quite fun. i'm typing this entry from my super cool MacBook! yay.

i also got: a coach wristlet, a tote bag, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Superbad.

i made a really fantastic pasta dish with goat cheese and sundried tomatoes. and i have tons of leftovers, so that's really cool.

tomorrow, i'm going to make an appointment to get my hair cut, cos my hair's falling out in clumps (ew) and i'm going to go to the gym and start going more often. i need to get fit. :(

i hope everyone's christmas was glittery and awesome!

xx

so it's christmas eve, holy crap!

i'm back on lawnguyland after a crazy hectic week up at purchase. i just got all of my grades in and i'm a little disappointed because they were really low, but i'm happy because i did well, despite all the drama and everything i went through this semester.
here's how i did:

co-directing the alternative clinic: A (damn right!)
public relations: B (eh, whatever. i learned NOTHING in that class)
crit/review: B (i had a feeling)
senior project: SP (meaning satisfactory progress, not "super project" or "shit-tactular paper")
senior seminar: C-! C MINUS! WTF!?

so therefore, my gpa is now a 3.0, rather than a 3.6. my cummulative is now a 3.3. feh.

anyway, i saw james yesterday. we had a bad fight on saturday because i was upset that i couldn't get a ride out to bay shore and he was flippin out on me, but then i got the bright idea to drive to patchogue and take the sketchy train out to bay shore so his mom could come get me and drive me back. duh! so we were BARELY talking on the ride out to staten island and when we got to his house, we had a long talk and i told him why i was upset, and he apologized for being an ass. which was good. he owned up, and so did i.

then james tells me, "i wanted you to come out so i could introduce you as my girlfriend"
me: "but i'm NOT your girlfriend"
him: "what do you think that means? I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU AS MY GIRLFRIEND."
me: "um...you want me to be your girlfriend?"
him: "yep."

so he basically asked me to consider being his girlfriend. and i'm taking this week to figure it out. as much as i'd like to, i can't keep fighting with him. we need to act like adults. we need to respect each other, and i want to make sure that that will happen.

so saturday night we went to ryan's house to hang out with a bunch of people. i got ridiculously drunk playing beer pong and drinking screwdrivers with cheap vodka. it was fun times, though.

today james and i exchanged presents and he loved the things i got him. i got him a shirt from american eagle, a scarf from the gap, and the simpsons movie. in turn, he gave me a crapload of panties from victoria's secret and a set of body sprays. mmm.

so i have to be up in 6 hours so i can finish up christmas shopping and get my SHINYNEW! macbook yay. i need to get something for my dad and mandi and other friends, too. i'm also going on a serious baking rampage too. fo'reals.

anyway, everyone needs to go out and see Juno NOW. really. it's a fantastic movie, and kimya dawson's songs were all over the place in the movie and it just made me happy. i saw it friday night with a bunch of people, including a friend of mine i haven't hung out with since middle school. :)

anyway kids, have an awesome christmas eve, and don't drink too much eggnog <3

So over the past week I have:

moved to my friend's apartment in Alumni and am crashing on the couch, waiting for my single to open up.

found out who my real friends are.

gotten really sick and am still taking antibiotics for said illness.

watched the (semi-)boyfriend get into APD on Staten Island (congrats again, James!<3)

worked on my senior project and as a result, am sick of anything relating to Anita Hill, Clarence Thomas, and sexual harassment.

painted my nails red and watched the polish chip.

consumed very little alcohol.

attempted to see the tree lighting at rockefeller center with James.

stressed out like crazy.

Last night's rugby practice can be summed up with this quote:

"It says it in the Bible! "Thou shalt get wasted!" - Coach, regarding Purim.

We talked for an hour about Judaism and how mean people in Hillel @ Purchase are, apparently. I've gone to a couple of meetings last year, but my freshmen on the team tried to join and the members were really mean to them.

Speaking of selectivity and cliques, I'm glad to be getting out of Purchase this May. I'm sick of the Purchase drama and people being passive-aggressive and not airing things out in the open. Sometimes experiencing things like that make me want to move off campus, move back to Long Island, and commute. At least I wouldn't be that distracted by other people's drama and be able to work on my thesis.

Which, by the way, is progressing slowly. I'm determined to at least finish half of my paper this weekend while I'm at home and on Mom's iMac. I really enjoy my topic, don't get me wrong- I've just lacked discipline this semester and now it's almost the end of November and I'm beginning to realize how little I've accomplished. I've just been so distracted with the breakup and dating Bill and worrying about James and it's starting to catch up to me, and I'm disappointed I wasted this semester. I really feel like I did, and if my grades aren't up to par, it'll reinforce that belief.

Last night was pretty great. James came out from Staten Island to spend the night. We just cuddled and fell asleep together and it was just like it was before. I'm really trying to control the jealous-angry-ex girlfriend part of me, because that's not going to help us get back together at all. I'm tired of picking fights with him, because he's pledging a frat and that's taking up a lot of his time, along with work, and I was getting upset that he wasn't coming to see me and spend time with me. But now, after he finishes the pledge period, we should hopefully be back to normal...I really don't want to fuck this up, and I don't want him to fuck it up. I want things to be back to the way they were before August 7th, and it's starting to get back to that. That's how we are, really. And seeing him last night really made me realize how much I miss him and how much I miss how things used to be with us. But it also helped me realize that things can and will get back to normal if we want it to be. I have faith in that..

Anyway, enough rambling, kids. I'm going to bed, cos I'm a tired, full Jess. I made falafel for dinner tonight and it was AMAZING. <3

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

- A Fine Frenzy "Near To You"

(i absolutely love this song. download it. now. yes.)

31 October 2007. Greenwich Village, NYC: 9:00 pm.

He looks into my eyes as creatures and people dressed in various Halloween costumes march down the street.

"I love you, Jess." he says to me as he takes me into his arms.

"I love you too, B." I reply and snuggle closer to his chest.

We look out into the crowd of revelers and partyers and we smile, the perfect couple: he as The Man in his suit and tie, and I as his Trophy Wife in my dress and heels.

What does it take to become the ideal couple? Or, at the very least, one that actually works out and has a happy ending, whether they break up (and maintain a friendship) or not?

I've learned that relationships take work, patience, and love. It means never lying, never controlling the other person, never hurting the other person by words and actions, and never making them feel unsafe. It means saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it, when need be. It means living in the moment with the other person, because you never know which moment could be your last. It means falling asleep together after a bad fight and waking up in the morning to an apology in some way. It means maintaining a friendship from the start and learning and appreciating one another's quirks, for what they're worth. And, if things do go sour, it means never holding a grudge, knowing when to let go, and giving things time to work out. But most of all, it means loving yourself.

And as I look into his luminous brown eyes tonight, I know. I have figured it out.

And I'm happy that I had the courage to get out of my last relationship while I did. I'm happy, in a way, that James and I let go of one another, because it just couldn't be saved and we just weren't happy anymore. And I've learned more about myself and about love in that year and a half we were together than I did when I was in my last serious relationship. and for that, I thank him for showing me who I was and showing me what it takes to love someone else.

my roommate is awesome and makes me laugh.

james and i broke up and i keep crying when i hear "norwegian wood".

that is all.

So Purchase starts in 3 days, and before I go, I have to:

* PACK PACK PACK. I haven't even begun to do laundry yet. Annd I'm going to American Eagle tomorrow to get a few shirts and another pair of jeans and some cute jammies. I also need to get a trunk to stow my junk.
* Get an ipod cassette adapter for my car, because my brother fixed my stereo in Carmabelle (the car) and it's kinda decent now, so I need tunes for the drive up to Purch.
* Make lists of essentials for H-2-FUN (i.e. personal and otherwise, like towels and soccer balls)
* Figure out financial situation (which will be VERY good...thank god, now I just need to stay the hell away from malls)
* Fill up my gas tank (which will prolly eat up $50..not COOL.)
* Repair relationship with boyfriend (or at least try), since he needs to take me out to dinner and really really grovel on Saturday..god.

Ah stress.

And Adam and I might go to the beach tomorrow which would make me tres happy. woo.

I actually can't wait to go back and start my senior year! :)

i got a caaaarrrr. <3

it's a 92 nissan maxima and it's cute. and i will have it next tuesday.

i have to go buy some roxy stickers to adorn it with. and a purchase college bumper sticker.

thanks daddy! :)

***

really, i'm excited about purchase. and the car.
cos now i can really explore westchest-ah! to the fullest and go to trader joe's and AE in scarsdale!!
yayyy. <3

School is just stressing me out already, and I'm not even in Purchase! Basically, I have to send in all these forms for the govt. to verify whether I should get financial aid or not, pretty much. And I'm pissed because I lost half of my forms. Buuut..I'm making progress. Slowly but surely.

Last night James calls me up and tells me his best friend died...it's really terrible. This is the first time I actually know someone who died, and not just through 6 degrees of separation. I have to go out to the funeral on Saturday and go to the wake on Friday...I don't want to go through with it, but I have to go. :(

three random things:

writer's block. what what?

i need to stop shopping.

purchase in a month and i'm kinda apathetic.
(and the summer's almost over and i don't have 20 pages of my senior project done like i wanted to..boo.)

yeah i need to write my article and go to bed.

disjointed,
me.

i really like dunkin donuts coffee.

i miss westchest-ah! like crazy, especially a certain nataliaaa.

i resolved to do the following next semester:
- write a kick ass senior thesis
- go to tiffany's and buy myself that necklace i really want (early xmas gift, mom? please?)
- have a really happy living situation in the apt.
- do really well with the Dispatch and help the underclassmen in the journalism program.
- run every day.
- be really healthy and not drink more than 1x every couple weeks and not eat badly.
- go to scarsdale and explore other towns in westchest-ah!
- annnd: go to the palisades center mall and woodbury commons. even though i should attempt to curb my shopping addiction. the galleria isn't doing anything for me anymore and i'm too poor for 95% of the stores in the westchester! (except for abercrombie, ben and jerry's, the gap, sephora, and victoria's secret)

so i just saw that SUNY Purchase is hosting the Racewalk events for the Empire State Games this year.

I want to go now!!!! Seriously, Cher, you and I need to train so we can race next year!! I didn't even know about it and now I'm :( .

four things:

1. i need to stop buying clothes! my closet is literally overflowing with stuff, and i really don't know how the HELL everything's going to fit in the apt. at purchase. :(
a. i love steve and barry's. i bought clothes from SJP's new line, as well as a long sleeved purchase tee and an ohio state football tee.
b. hence, ikea was created for serious shopaholics, due to their many organizational solutions. (hello, closet organizer for the apt.!)

2. james is coming out this weekend and i am soooo excited.
a. not having sex for 4 weeks SUCKS.
b. we're going to go see the simpsons movie annnd go to the beach.

3. my first article got published in the long island advance today!
a. read it, bitches.

4. i kinda want to get a tattoo. like, of a bunch of stars on my hip.
a. i am, however, losing weight, so this tattoo and belly button piercing won't be too far off. :)

happy 21st birthday to me.

i turned 21 on saturday
and james and mary and patrick and emily came out from their respective hometowns
and
we went to the blue point brewery
where we tasted beer
and then
we had a bbq at my brother's house
where i tried a kamikaze
and then
laila and kat came over
and all of us went to the brick house brewery
and we listened to a crappy band
while pounding down beer and liquor.
while i was drunk,
i saw a couple of girls from high school
and we shrieked and reunited in the ladies' room
and exchanged numbers.
later in the night
i got a bottle of gray goose from emily and patrick
and then i drunkenly
wrapped a cloth napkin around my head
and stole a beer glass
and came home and crashed.

however
i did not yet receive my updated driver's license.

awesome.

10_of your favorite memories at this moment

o1. The summer of 2004, when we were all friends...
o2. My senior prom
o3. February 26, 2006- the day I met James.
o4. This past weekend: Mary's party, Jill's party, and "barefoot contessa"
o5. July 7, 2004 - my 18th birthday at Davis Park
o6. My year at American University (2004-2005), including: Georgetown with Sara, the monuments at night with Ash, Kat, Sara, Cosi, Dupont Circle, our many trips to Chipotle and Tenleytown, my first animal rights walk, and the visits from Eddie.
o7. Fall semester 2006 in G33- although it didn't end well, those were some damn good times: "EAT MY PUSSY!"; boobs, trips to White Plains, S-bux, and parties.
o8. Starting my rugby team at Purchase this past spring
o9. Being initiated into AU Women's rugby: our crazy scavenger hunt and rookie party in which people wrote on my face with magic marker and made me carry around a moose head.
10. Sneads Ferry, NC: Summer 2004.

09_things you`re looking forward to
o1. Going to Staten Island this weekend for Rob's graduation party
o2. My 21st birthday
o3. Finishing my summer classes TOMORROW!
o4. Going to D.C. and NC in August
05. Starting my senior year in September
06. Finishing my senior project in the spring
07. Beach party on July 4th
08. My restaurant review tomorrow
09. Graduating from Purchase!

08_things you wear daily

o1. cute panties
o2. pants/shorts
o3. my necklace from Tiffany's
04. flip-flops
o5. moisturizer
o6. mascara
o7. lip balm
08. a bra

07_things that annoy you

o1. Long Island traffic
o2. Long-ass outlines for class
o3. Most women
o4. Memories biting you in the butt when you least expect it
o5. voicemail
o6. AIM
o7. Myspace.

06_things you touch everyday
o1. a pen
o2. fabric
o3. a steering wheel
o4. my dog
o5. my cat
o6. a doorknob

05_things you do everyday
o1. sleep
o2. go to the gym
o3. talk to my boyfriend
o4. go to work
o5. go to class

04_people you want to spend more time with
1. James
2. Natalia
3. Cher and the Eastenders
4. Rinny

03_movies you`d watch over + over again
1. Mean Girls
2. Analyze This
3. Memoirs of a Geisha

02_artists or bands you`ve seen live
1. Straylight Run
2. Catch 22

01_person you`d spend your life with
o1. Derek Jeter! (just kidding)

i'm alive! yes! fo'reals.

***
i started my internship at the Long Island Advance yesterday. i got into the office at 10 am, and the assistant publisher sent me out to sell ads and take pictures of Dublin Deck and the Harbor Crab Co. in Patchogue. I sold an ad, which was really cool, and I went and took pictures of the interior of both restaurants. I'm going back in tomorrow to collect the artwork for the ad, and to do some more work.

I also got my own business cards, which is sweet.

I'm also working for Ron Villano, who is a therapist/motivational speaker who is based on Long Island- I'm going to be writing and editing articles for him too.

***
In other news, I really should move to Staten Island. I spend SO much of my time there it's ridiculous. I was there for James' 21st birthday on the second, and I got so trashed..let's just say soco and lime shots are my jump-off. We went to a bar until 4 am..it was CRAZY. It made me that much more excited for my 21st on July 7!
I'm going back to SI this weekend for a christening; next weekend for Jill's 21st; and the following weekend for Rob's graduation party.

***
Craziness, yo.